A little soul-baring

Being a listener is not easy. I'm not boasting (why would I boast about it?), just that I have been a listener for a few friends and although I give calm and objective advice, I frequently find that I couldn't give advice for my own situations. Ha, ironic right? I think so too. I'm not looking for any pity or sympathy from you, I really just feel why I can listen to people but I don't have much listeners. I don't mean I don't have friends that I can trust but I just don't feel like burdening them with my problems (since I know how burdensome it can be being a listener, not that I'm complaining).

Today I'm inspired by the very funny but honest conversations with a very cool friend to have a little soul-baring. She might not know it, but she made me realize a very important lesson; sharing both your joy and sorrow with others is much better than bottling them inside you. But, let's take baby steps and uncork my bottle a tiny little bit? Haha...

Hmm... I really couldn't help but wonder why. Why do I keep falling for guys that are not available (single, but unavailable). I don't mean the 'fall deep deep, head-over-heels' kind of thing, just some mild feelings. Hmm, why mild? Because I will held back myself. Because I know it's impossible. Because I will build a wall in my heart. I don't mean I'll avoid them or anything. Just that there will always be a limit. A boundary. A distance. No matter how much I enjoy conversing with them or having their company, I'll always stop myself from doing or saying anything or showing any emotions that will hint any of my hidden feelings. Instead of being infatuated, I become a buddy. Am I a bad person? Hiding my feelings, kind of feel like two-facedness. But what else can I do? I don't "steal" from other's belonging. I believe that if you steal something today, you will lost something else tomorrow. I'll stick to my principle, so thanks but no thanks. Having another buddy is better than being in a triangle situation. Or maybe I'll get rejected anyway. So, I guess it's true, Cancerian have hard shells on the outside, but is actually soft and weak inside. I guess the shell HAS to be hard in order to be able protect the inside. I may look strong, but I may be weak inside. (I was a crybaby when I was small, no wait, I think I am still a crybaby. XD)

But even though I said (and I do) put a distance in between us, it doesn't mean I don't feel hurt. Not that serious-one-sided-love kind of hurt. Just that when every time I remind myself to step back, I get a small stab in my heart and pride also. Why pride? Because I'll start to think, is there something wrong with me? Am I always the kind of girl that can only be a buddy? (As close as the word 'buddy' sounds, in actual it is not that close. Why? Because I just said, there will always be a wall(built by yours truly). And you don't want to be the character of Julia Roberts in My Best Friend's Wedding, do you?)

Sigh. I guess it'll always be a mystery to me. No other solution but to held onto my beliefs.